tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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