Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
