I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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