i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
