you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
