i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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