So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
