Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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