I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
