i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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