I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
