Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
