That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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