i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i was born a porn star she said
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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