you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
