these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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