I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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