Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
