Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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