theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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