i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
