So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
