ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
