i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
