apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
operation harelip BJ is a go
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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