It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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