Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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