How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
