If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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