those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
