Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
