youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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