Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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