I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
