Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
