we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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