Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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