She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
