if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
