Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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