I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
