i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
