He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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