I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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