If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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