3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
