of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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