true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
