I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
