Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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