The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
