My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
this hospital has no fireball
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
