I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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