The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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