You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
