i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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